This afternoon I stopped by Salem Storehouse, our Christian bookstore here in Ottawa. A friend had given me a CD for my birthday that I already had, and graciously allowed me to return it for another. In searching for a replacement I came across a live CD of a group that I love called Casting Crowns (http://www.castingcrowns.tv/) - something about their overall presentation has drawn me to them since the first sampling. I love their sound - strong, tight, solid, driving ... but more than that ... I love the sense of 'real life' they have - mixed with the true heart of Jesus. They challenge us to BE the heart of Jesus to others ...
What does that mean? It means a heart that isn't afraid to walk into the middle of someone's pain and suffering. Its imperfections, its failures ... its grays ... its disappointments ... its lack of answers and fairness... I've been a Christian now for ... hmmmm ... (2006 - 1977 = 29) 29 years (I don't say that to boast by any means - because in God's terms - years doesn't always mean maturity!).
I've heard so many sermons, I hate to think of all that I'm responsible for hearing, and have probably only applied to my life less than 1/4 of them... if that! I've been in ministry and so know both sides of the "Christian" picture ... the good and the bad ... the disappointing harshness of human nature vs. the wonderful grace of God. I've been just as guilty about sheepishly withdrawing from those painful situations in other's lives that I didn't understand, or have answers to. I've questioned the issue of grace vs. law as much as anyone. But honestly - the older I got, the more pain I saw in the lives of people around me - some self inflicted, some not. But what I always got from the picture that scripture paints of Jesus was that he always rushed in, where others feared to tread.
As time passed more friends I knew were faced with difficult situations, and I was - with every situation - given the test of which side to fall on ... law or Grace. I didn't always know which scripture it was that could back me - but I had the character and nature of who God was --- and that gave me enough reason to err on the side of Grace. And I'm glad today I did ... because Grace allowed me to be witness to their transformation from hurt to healing. But even in that - it was easier to be on the side of giving compassion --- than on the side of one needing compassion. Little did I know that in time, my understanding of that Grace would be put to the test.... and I would be the one needing compassion?
In 2003 my world was turned upside-down when my 22 year marriage faced the truth - it had died long before the 22nd year. Though not without good efforts to bring it back to life ... facing the truth of that was devastating - and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The steps I've had to walk since then have been both the most real blessing I've known and a painful eye opening experience.
I've learned that there were and still are people in my life that will stand by me at any cost - even if it wasn't easy for them to do so, and if they themselves were criticized for doing so ... they were with me in the darkest days, and were to me - the heart of Jesus - until my heart could feel him again. I also learned what it was like to be the focus of the critical eye of those who had a difficult time 'coping' with my tragedy - overlooking my massive internal emotional bleeding, as they struggled to 'deal' with my 'situation', finally choosing the 'exit' door as the best way to 'deal'.
By the way ... this brings me to a beef I have ... where are the books on recovery from divorce in the Christian world? There's a ton of them in the regular book stores! Oh, I know there are a few ... but very few. With all the stats we hear today on divorce, let alone Christian divorce ... there must be so many hurting people - living with guilt, condemnation and false judgment ... that need to know God's grace in the middle of this loss ... and still we wonder why our churches merely recycle members from one church to another - or why attendance is lower than it should be? .... hmmmm
The ending of a marriage is a death - to both people involved ... we morn every other death, come from miles to be near them, gather around them as they cry, bring food to those left behind, stand beside those who are barely able to stand at that time. But with divorce ... it's a taboo thing - associated with a public sin.... and so we step away - just as the Pharisees did with the woman caught in adultery ... it's simply too uncomfortable. And maybe the reason for the lack of comfort is a God given conviction that for many of us "There but by the grace of God goes I!"
I'm grateful for those in my life that didn't abandon me --- but kept the heart of Jesus beating in their chests as they prayerfully walked with me, even if all I could feel at the time was the reverberation of his heart in them ... it kept him close to me.
My innocent understanding that every Christian had 'minimally' at their core, the grace and absolute unconditional love of Jesus - was ultimately, and necessarily shattered - from those who didn't know better to those who should have. I've been surprised at times where it came from. Though with time - the shock has gotten to be less. It's a simple reality for me now, as even the presence of some family members has evaporated, lost in their need to 'cope' with my loss and failure of my marriage.
Do you know that even with all I've lost - if you were to ask me today if I'd go back to what I lived in before - a marriage of facade, with its unhealthy reality - I would make the same decision today? I'm thankful that God gave me enough courage to do what needed to be done - and face what needed to be exposed. I am left with a sense of loss - loss of family, loss of friends, and loss of trust in people (though is that a bad thing? The jury's out. After all scripture warns about trusting in the arm of flesh - or man - rather "We will trust in the name of the Lord our God!") --- The loss of innocence. Still, as I sat the other night over supper with the faithful friend who gave me that CD for my birthday - for the first time, I said out loud - "I like who I am today ... I like that I am more the authentic me than I've ever been." The cost was large ... but the end result ... a gift - redeemed by a God that promised nothing less for lives in ruin - redemption.
But back to today, as I was driving in my car with tears rolling down my cheeks, and listening to these songs, I knew His voice - and that unmistakable sense that he wants me to 'get SOMETHING here' .... He wanted me to hear ---- that no matter who stands and falls next to me - he won't be one of the ones that exit, evaporates, shrinks away or judges - he will walk in - when others walk out --- in the middle of the chaos and confusion, in the middle of the darkness and lack of answers, in the pain, the shame, the sadness, and the recovery ... I am coming to learn in such a deeper way - something I heard and even said so many times, but KNOW better now ... he alone is truly faithful, able to give perfect unfailing love, ever embracing, ever unfailing, ever merciful, ever abounding in grace ... and because of this ... my heart is healed and healing ... Thank you, Casting Crowns - for hearing the voice of God, and translating it into music - so that more of us can hear the 'Voice of Truth'. The Voice of the One that longs to pick up every one of his children who have been left behind by confused 'christians' who will in all likelihood at some point need the same Grace and compassion they fell short of giving. "God, we humbly ask that you reverberate in our hearts your Grace and compassion at all times - to those deserving, and especially to those who aren't - so that all would come to know true GRACE."
"I guess what God is showing me is that sometimes he calms the storms in our lives, and sometimes he rides the waves with us, but either way - blessed be the name of the Lord ..." Mark Hall, lead singer of Casting Crowns.
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped my tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
More from the same CD ... with the same heart ... and oh how true - as one who has been on both sides now of the pulpit and the pew ... so so true!
"My grace is sufficient for you - my power is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness because I know that the power of Christ rests in me. That's why for Christ's sake I will delight in my weakness and in my hardship and in my difficulties because when I am weak, then I am strong."~ Paul
"What I think we need to hear from each other is that 'we are broken people made whole'. I don't think it bothers the world that we sin, I think it bothers them that we act like we don't. The best way to walk with Jesus is to show what kind of losers he can change and the people he can use."
"Stained Glass Masquerade"
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
And this is just such a simple answer to "What do we do?" for those who we don't know how to BE with in the midst of their pain --- And yet, it's such a simple calling ... to all of us ... 'Love them like Jesus" ... I know, this is all I longed for from those people in my life that "struggled" with my struggle ... I challenge you, as I challenge myself ... don't step away from the people around you in pain because of your discomfort ... just be with them ... and if Jesus is in you, 'being there' is loving them like Jesus would.
Love Them Like Jesus
The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart
You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you
Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away
You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you
Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus
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